the end of the rainbow

Hello all-

I am sorry that I have been so absent from the online world for so long.  Truth be told, I am missing you all terribly but have been feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the changes I’m adapting to at the moment with the new country/apartment/marriage/language/food/etc. etc.  What’s more, every time I sit down to attempt a blog post, I find that I just freeze up.  In truth, there is a story I’d like to tell but am not sure if it’s too personal to share here.  With time, I’ve come to realize however that my voice can’t find any other words until I share these which are still overwhelming my heart.

 

You see, it turns out we came back from our honeymoon with more than just a marriage certificate.  Completely unexpectedly, I was pregnant.  And with our shock came absolute joy and excitement.  We came back to Munich and began the crusade of finding the right English speaking OB/GYN (ridiculously difficult, but that’s another story), and in order to ease my early days of exhaustion and nausea, I had a perfectly soothing companion. 

 

 

Melissa and I joined all these rainbow swaps on ravelry ages ago, in attempt to get more yarns for our blankies.  What ended up happening to both of us though is that we realized the yarn was just too gorgeous and precious and thus it merited a project all its own.  Melissa made an absolutely stunning rainbow blankie for her nephew Henry, and I saved mine for that special time when I one day became pregnant.  I had even brought this precious yarn cargo personally to Germany months before my actual move, just so it’d be safely stored with Georg and I wouldn’t have to put it in a stale moving box.

For my blankie, I chose the zig-zag pram blanket pattern (and thusly got totally addicted to rippling right along with Melissa) and happily knitted away with my precious yarn.  I got almost to the end, with only a whole pile of ends left to sew in, when in my 10^th week, we lost the baby.

 

Of course there aren’t enough words to describe our devastation, I won't even try.  And the strange thing about miscarriage is that, perhaps because it’s so indescribable, you find that friends and family, despite their best intentions, often don’t know what to say to you either and thus it's just not talked about.  Perhaps it’s exactly because of that strange taboo that I feel compelled to share with you here.  Or perhaps it’s just because I needed to say out loud:

 

I had a baby inside me.  I saw its heart beat.  We loved it dearly.  And even though it wasn’t able to arrive, we will always cherish it and it will always be a part of our family.

 

And hopefully someday I’ll still manage to get to the end of that rainbow.

 

Thank you so much for listening.

Love to you all,

-cmvs

Comments

[melissa]

i love you more than words can say.
i am so proud of you for finding your voice and sharing your story.

[Lindsey]

So so so much love to you.
Thank you for your courange to tell your story and let us publicly mourn with you. My heart aches for you and Georg.
I know people who have suffered simmilar losses in private, in silence and I know your openness lets them know they are not alone.

[kate]

I know how you feel, as I lost my first pregnancy at 8 weeks. We didn't tell many people then, as we hadn't told many people we were pregnant, and it was a hard thing to go through. We talk about it openly now. The more we give voice to it, and realize it is something many women, and couples, go through, the more we can bring it out of the darkness.

And you are right, it is always part of your family and part of your life story.

Much love and healing to you both.

[Rachel]

I don't have words...not because of any strange taboo...but because my heart aches for you and I know there is nothing I can say to ease your pain. I've been thinking of you often and hoping that your silence was only due to all the overwhelming changes that you've been experiencing...how I still wish that were true. Thanks for being brave and sharing...it must have been incredibly hard but maybe it will help just a little bit with the healing. You are both in my thoughts...

[Michelle]

I am so sorry for your loss. The blanket is gorgeous, though, and I'm sure that it will make some child, yours or not, very very happy.

[josiekitten]

I'm so sorry Claire. Sending you and Georg a virtual hug. The blanket is beautiful and I so hope that it will snuggle your little ones in years to come. xxx

[Ellen]

Love you Claire Marie...with all I got! I'm glad that you are able to share your story. We loved the little one inside of you the moment we heard about it too, and also share in your heartbreak. Great big bear hugs!!

[Martine]

big hugs coming your way...

[Anna]

You have so much courage sharing the story here! I'm thinking of you and wishing you and yours all the best!

[Kathy]

Oh, my heart aches for you. I cried thinking about your joy and then your heartache. As we're looking at where we are going, now that we're married, that is certainly a fear I have. I hope that talking about it with us helps you in your healing process. For you and Georg, I hope you find all the rainbows that you want.

[Mary Ann Furrie]

The love you had for this beloved child never goes away. Now, finding your voice, I hope that the ache will begin to subside in dribs and drabs. You are very courageous to share your feelings and experiences.

[Micki]

We grieve with you both and think you are so brave for sharing your story. Thanks for allowing us to wrap you in our love. Wishing all good things for you and Georg. Love, Micki and Jerry

[Rebecca]

Thank you for sharing your story Claire. I am truly sorry for your loss.

[Lifesaknit.blogspot.com]

I'm really sorry to hear about you losing your precious baby. I have experienced the same thing, a few times. It's all your hopes and dreams for that precious baby that you lose too. Sending you a hug, from a random stranger!!

[Mary de B]

I'm so sorry! I had similar experiences. The great thing about sharing your story is that you hear all these "me, too" comments. It is horrible, but it happens more than people often let on, and *next time* you will likely get a perfect, healthy, smiling baby.

The blanket is gorgeous!

[Sarah]

Thank you for sharing with us. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Your blanket is absolutely beautiful.

[Pat]

I am sorry for your loss. Both of your loss's. You won't forget but it will get easier. I promise. I know.

[korin]

I'm so so so sorry. I've been there and it sucks. Grieve all you need to, and then, grieve some more. If anyone tells you to get over it, tell them to STFU. You lost a piece of your heart. Sending you much love.

[quirkygranolagirl]

sending love. and a private message.

[MN]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you must feel. Yesterday, I found out I miscarried my what would have been 10 week old baby as well. As I am trying to convince myself that this heart break will pass and I have to be strong, I will offer the same advice to you.

This blanket you're knitting is more than appropriate as I've heard the term "rainbow baby" used to refer to a live birth after a miscarriage. I encourage you to hold on to this beautiful blanket for your future child. Hugs to you and your husband.

[Renee Billman]

I mourn your loss with all of my heart. Better days are coming--that's the rainbow's promise.

[Andrea]

I have lived through this....I am so sorry for you. Thank you for sharing and I hope for all good things for you. It gets better, but you are right. The one you lost will always be in your heart.

[Debbe]

Thank you for finding your voice and for sharing it us all...so many of us have been through this, and your precious little one will always be in your heart...always.